Length6h 35m
About this audiobook
Excerpt: ""Moral Statistician."—I don't want any of your statistics; I took your whole batch and lit my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. You are always ciphering out how much a man's health is injured, and how much his intellect is impaired, and how many pitiful dollars and cents he wastes in the course of ninety-two years' indulgence in the fatal practice of smoking; and in the equally fatal practice of drinking coffee; and in playing billiards occasionally; and in taking a glass of wine at dinner, etc., etc., etc. And you are always figuring out how many women have been burned to death because of the dangerous fashion of wearing expansive hoops, etc., etc., etc. You never see more than one side of the question. You are blind to the fact that most old men in America smoke, and drink 2coffee, although, according to your theory, they ought to have died young; and that hearty old Englishmen drink wine and survive it, and portly old Dutchmen both drink and smoke freely, and yet grow older and fatter all the time. And you never try to find out how much solid comfort, relaxation, and enjoyment a man derives from smoking in the course of a lifetime (which is worth ten times the money he would save by letting it alone), nor the appalling aggregate of happiness lost in a lifetime by your kind of people from not smoking. Of course you can save money by denying yourself all those little vicious enjoyments for fifty years; but then what can you do with it? What use can you put it to? Money can't save your infinitesimal soul. All the use that money can be put to is to purchase comfort and enjoyment in this life; therefore, as you are an enemy to comfort and enjoyment, where is the use of accumulating cash? It won't do for you to say that you can use it to better purpose in furnishing a good table, and in charities, and in supporting tract societies, because you know yourself that you people who have no petty vices are never known to give away a cent, and that you stint yourselves so in the matter of food that you are always feeble and hungry. And you never dare 3to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor wretch, seeing you in a good humor, will try to borrow a dollar of you; and in church you are always down on your knees, with your eyes buried in the cushion, when the contribution box comes around; and you never give the revenue officers a full statement of your income. Now you know all these things yourself, don't you? Very well, then, what is the use of your stringing out your miserable lives to a lean and withered old age? What is the use of your saving money that is so utterly worthless to you? In a word, why don't you go off somewhere and die, and not be always trying to seduce people into becoming as "ornery" and unloveable as you are yourselves, by your villainous "moral statistics"? Now I don't approve of dissipation, and I don't indulge in it, either; but I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices, and so I don't want to hear from you any more. I think you are the very same man who read me a long lecture last week about the degrading vice of smoking cigars, and then came back, in my absence, with your reprehensible fireproof gloves on, and carried off my beautiful parlor stove."
Audiobook details
GenreHumor, General Fiction
Length6 hrs 35 mins
Narrated byListen with 1,000+ voices
FormateBook with Audio
Publish dateJul 24, 2020
LanguageEnglish
Table of contents
1FOREWORD
64FROM “A TRAMP ABROAD” (1878–9)
2FROM “SKETCHES NEW AND OLD” (1865–67): How I Edited an Agricultural Paper
65Midnight Entertainment
3FROM “THE INNOCENTS ABROAD” (1867–68)
66Foreign Quotations
4The “Quaker City” in a Storm
67Reflections on the Ant
5The Beautiful Stranger
68Foreign Quotations Again
Show all chaptersShow less
6Tangier
69The Jungfrau
7American Beauties
70Climbing the Gemmi Pass
8An Early Memory
71Descent of Gemmi Pass
9At the Ambrosian Library
72Alp Climbing
10Our Need of Repose
73The Old Masters
11Venice
74FROM “LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI” (1874–5)
12At Pisa
75First Lessons in Piloting
13Christian Persuasion
76Perplexing Lessons
14Taking It Out of the Guides
77A Test of Courage
15A Surfeit of Art
78FROM “THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER” (1877–80)
16At Pompeii
79The Canty Home
17Fame
80London Bridge
18Athens from the Acropolis
81Tom Canty, King
19Constantinople
82The Little King in Prison
20Turkish Journalism
83Tom Canty the First
21The Camel
84Tom Is Recognized
22At Noah’s Tomb
85FROM “THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN” (1876–83): The Grangerford-Shepherdson Feud[4]
23Damascus
86FROM “A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR’S COURT” (1886–7)
24At Banias
87The Stranger’s History
25A Healer in Palestine
88The Round Table[7]
26The Bible
89The Yankee Reflects
27Galilee at Night
90Perfect Government
28Distance in the East
91Maids in Distress
29A Pleasant Incident
92A Knight’s Average
30Sacred Marvels
93Sixth Century Kingdoms
31At Adam’s Grave
94Nature
32The Wandering Jew
95Conscience
33Bedouins
96The German Tongue[8]
34A Smitten Land
97Government by the People
35The Sphinx
98Prophecy
36Memories of the Pilgrimage
99Hard Work
37FROM “ROUGHING IT”
100Still Hope
38George Bemis and “The Allen”
101The Human Race
39The Overland Stage
102The King in Slavery[9]
40Morning on the Plains
103FROM “RAMBLING NOTES OF AN IDLE EXCURSION” (1877)
41The Cayote
104FROM “PUDD’NHEAD WILSON’S CALENDAR” (1892–3)
42The Pony Rider
105FROM “THE PRIVATE HISTORY OF A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED” (1885)
43Indian Country
106FROM “THE PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS OF JOAN OF ARC”
44At the Summit of the Rockies
107The Fairy Tree
45Incidents by the Way
108L’Arbre Fée de Bourlemont.
46Mormon Beauties
109Joan Before Rheims
47The Alkali Desert
110Joan’s Reward
48Arrival in Carson City
111FROM “SAINT JOAN OF ARC” (1899)
49Lake Tahoe
112FROM “FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR” Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar (1896–7): Italian Cigars
50Selling Out a Mine
113FROM “CONCERNING THE JEWS” (1898): The Immortal Race
51Buck Fanshaw’s Funeral
114FROM “CHRISTIAN SCIENCE” (1898)
52An Abandoned Town
115FROM “ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER” (1903): The Charm of Uncertainty
53A Hawaiian Temple
116FROM “EVE’S DIARY” (1905)
54A Hawaiian Statesman
117At Eve’s Grave
55Hawaiian Religion
118William Dean Howells (1905)
56The Crater of Haleakala
119MISCELLANEOUS (1905–9)
57FROM “THE GILDED AGE” (1873): Colonel Sellers Lets Himself Out
120The Fatality of Sequence
58FROM “ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER” (1874–5)
121Life’s Turning Point
59Tom Falls in Love
122Close of Seventieth Birthday Speech
60Huck
123The Future Life
61The Pirates’ Island
124Religion
62Tom Learns to Smoke
125FROM “THE DEATH OF JEAN” (1909)
63FROM “THE STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT” (1878)
126FROM “ONE OF HIS LATEST MEMORANDA” (1909)
Series
Roughing ItMark Twain16h 33m$2.30
What Is Man? And Other StoriesMark Twain10h 28m$2.30
The Letters Of Mark Twain, CompleteMark Twain29h 43m$2.30
A Tramp Abroad, CompleteMark Twain16h 34m$2.30
The Curious Republic of Gondour and Other Whimsical SketchesMark Twain1h 49m$2.30
The $30,000 Bequest and Other StoriesMark Twain10h 10m$2.30
The Gilded AgeMark Twain17h 24m$2.30
The £1,000,000 bank-note, and other new storiesMark Twain6h 58m$2.30
Life On The MississippiMark Twain15h 22m$2.30
Sketches New and OldMark Twain10h 33m$2.30
Those Extraordinary TwinsMark Twain2h 14m$2.30
The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead WilsonMark Twain5h 35m$2.30
Christian ScienceMark Twain6h 45m$2.30
Tom Sawyers Neue AbenteuerMark Twain6h 8m$2.30
Die Abenteuer des Huckleberry FinnMark Twain10h 42m$2.30
SkizzenbuchMark Twain9h 25m$2.30
Auf dem Mississippi Nach dem fernen WestenMark Twain9h 53m$2.30
Tom Sawyer DetectiveMark Twain2h 24m$2.30
A Dog's Tale & Eve's DiaryMark Twain42m$2.30
The Jeeves and Wooster Stories: The Complete Collection (33 Books)P. G. Wodehouse21h 57m$15 · $0.00
Birdie & HarlowTaylor Wolfe7h 50m$26 · $0.00
Santa's HusbandDaniel Kibblesmith, A P. Quach5m$4 · $0.00
The Facts of MidlifeRobyn Peterman4h 49m$15
Chaos in a CoupeDivya Dugar9h 18m$18 · $0.00
The Life of DaiDai Henwood, Jaquie Brown8h 2m$26 · $0.00
Poems of ParentingLoryn Brantz42m4 (1)$9 · $0.00
What If? 10th Anniversary EditionRandall Munroe7h 29m$23
Welcome to PawneeJim O'Heir6h 24m$24 · $0.00
Going PostalTerry Pratchett13h 36m$33 · $0.00
The Complete Chronicles of Barsetshire: (The Warden + Barchester Towers + Doctor Thorne + Framley Parsonage + The Small House at Allington + The Last Chronicle of Barset)Anthony Trollope140h 13m$1 · $0.00
Woman UninterruptedBrodie Kane7h 1m$24 · $0.00
1984 & Animal Farm (Annotated)George Orwell15h 54m$3 · $0.00
Kingsblood Royal (Annotated)Sinclair Lewis14h 42m$2 · $0.00
Hot Cowgirl Sh*tLacie Evans2h 15m$15
The Complete Novels of Mark Twain - 12 Books in One Volume (Illustrated Edition)Mark Twain154h 17m$2 · $0.00
This Is Going to HurtAdam Kay5h 47m$24 · $0.00
MAKE WAY FOR LUCIA - Complete Mapp and Lucia Series (6 Novels & 2 Short Stories)E. F. Benson60h 25m$1 · $0.00
You Will Get Through This NightDaniel Howell6h 56m$24 · $0.00
Northanger Abbey (Annotated)Jane Austen10h 7m$2 · $0.00
Under His ProtectionB. Love5h 7m$15
Heart of IronC. M. Alongi15h 24m$30
Ethic IIAshley Antoinette9h 1m$20
RiversnowTess Thompson8h 11m$20
Supreme ClienteleAshley & JaQuavis8h 58m$20
Body Refinement in a Beast Tamer’s World, Book 1Seth Ring14h 7m$27
EmberJeffrey Wilson, Brian Andrews13h 58m$23
The Complete Works of Jane Austen (Unabridged)Jane Austen88h 8m5 (1)$1 · $0.00
Desperate MeasuresBrenda Jackson8h 59m5 (1)$28 · $0.00
Searching For ThanksgivingS.E. Smith4h 24m$20
Naughty 4Brenda Hampton7h 30m$17
The Dance with Me TrilogyShelley Shepard Gray21h 44m$35
Anne Shirley (Complete 14 Book Collection)Lucy Maud Montgomery125h 28m$2 · $0.00
The DopemanJaQuavis Coleman5h 25m$20
Sherlock Holmes: The Ultimate CollectionArthur Conan Doyle59h 49m$5 · $0.00
WhistlerAnn Patchett10h 45m4.4 (15)$29 · $0.00
Grand Opening 2Carl Weber9h 16m$20
Sons of Valor II: Violence of ActionBrian Andrews, Jeffrey Wilson12h 34m$23
Malevolent MagicMildred Abbott7h 13m$17
Bikes, Toys, and Hot BoyzGenesis Woods, Shantaé13h 9m$23
You may also like
Travel Sketches & AnecdotesMark Twain164h 26m$2 · $0.00
The Innocents Abroad (Illustrated Edition)Mark Twain33h 4m$2 · $0.00
Europe and elsewhereMark Twain11h 42m$2 · $0.00
The Innocents Abroad (Illustrated)Mark Twain33h 5m$2 · $0.00
On AnythingHilaire Belloc7h 7m$2.30
Plum Pudding: Of Divers Ingredients, Discreetly Blended & SeasonedChristopher Morley5h 19m$1 · $0.00
The Innocents AbroadMark Twain18h 14m$28
Reveries of a SchoolmasterFrancis B. Pearson3h 32m$1 · $0.00
Three Men in a BoatJerome K. Jerome7h 9m$2.30
The Complete Non-Fiction Writings of Mark Twain: Old Times on the Mississippi + Life on the Mississippi + Christian Science + Queen Victoria's Jubilee + My Platonic Sweetheart + Editorial Wild Oats (Annotated)Mark Twain30h 1m$2 · $0.00
Arthur O'Leary: His Wanderings And Ponderings In Many LandsCharles James Lever18h 26m$2 · $0.00
Englisch lernen Audio - Fotografien beschreibenSpotlight Verlag1h 1m$17
Jonathan and His Continent: Rambles Through American SocietyJack Allyn, Max O'Rell5h 42m$2 · $0.00
The Innocents AbroadMark Twain20h 30m$2.30
From Dublin to Chicago: Some Notes on a Tour in AmericaGeorge A. Birmingham6h 5m$2 · $0.00
On a Chinese ScreenSomerset Maugham5h 20m$2.30
In Pastures NewGeorge Ade6h 34m$2 · $0.00
TriviaLogan Pearsall Smith2h 29m$2 · $0.00
Stories of ComedyVarious6h 23m$2 · $0.00
The Innocents AbroadMark Twain20h 36m$24 · $0.00